I promised you three days with the actor Cassian Swiggity, the star of the new superhero picture on the side of every transit house. I was meant to sit down with him about that picture and its recent flop at the box office. However, I regret to inform that I never got that interview. The day we were to meet, in place of the man, his people sent a four-page press release. So instead I went and asked everyone else their thoughts and here’s what I found:

Two sources close to the production, and, in the careful way studios speak on the record, the production company itself, all described the same thing: a contract. And I have come to think the contract is the whole man.

He must win every fight on screen. He must always be the romantic lead, he must get the girl, and the love interest must be a girl, that one is spelled out. And if the romance has to end, he must be the one who ends it. He cannot be the one who gets left. “He does not get dumped,” one source told me. “Not on screen at least.”

I do not write this in slander. I only write this because I promised our viewers an interview with Swiggity, and I will happily clarify or alter my findings upon new evidence if he wishes to speak.

Joey Vaelwick is the Chronicle’s long-form correspondent and the voice behind On Record on the Vaelthir Hour. He would like the record to reflect that he showed up on time, with tea, and left with a press release. Corrections, tips, and future guests who will actually sit down may be sent by owl.